good enough?

Wow it's been awhile again. December has been a crazy month for me. But finally I am done with school until next year and things are winding down. It's interesting what takes place when I get so busy. I start to tire and wear down. I feel a bit of a cold coming on. I have also noticed my mood getting a little lower when nothing is wrong. I start noticing my faults more and my attributes less. I really fall into that "I'm not good enough" mode.

It's so frustrating sometimes but I keep using my yoga training to remind myself that this is just a mala talking. I really am good enough and I know this. But when I'm tired, I think it's harder to remember. Or when I'm in a situation that challenges me more than normal. Take my video for instance. I know I am good enough to become inspired but every time I make a video, I think "well that wasn't good enough!" Also as I meet new people I even think I may not be good enough to be around them.

So I turn back to the teachings and continue to remind myself. I turn into myself, much like we do in inner spiral, to remember and then to expand to the back, the universal as well as shine forth again with my heart. And I do this with kindness in mind, toward myself. I offer this to you as I am so grateful when someone reminds me...

Drama

I've been hanging out with my yoga friends a lot recently (which is such a treat!) and we were discussing the dramas of our lives=) It was funny because so many people think that yogis and especially yoga teachers are supposed to be without drama or something. Or perhaps just able to deal with it better. That being said, we also discussed the fact that most of us who are drawn to yoga were drawn to it for a reason. There was some sort of drama in our lives that we couldn't or didn't want to deal with and sought out yoga as relief. And yes, it has taught us so much about dealing with our drama but it doesn't necessarily put an end to it. Nor does it stop our samskaras from coming up and showing themselves when faced with adversity. So thus, the drama.

My week was blissfully without much drama though as I did get to spend some awesome quality time with these good friends. Not so much of a family week for me - that comes during Christmas time. But my yoga family was a fabulous substitute. I even had a lovely practice with Anne down at the Clear Springs Studio. It was an Iyengar practice which I have little experience with; however, since Anusara does have some roots with Iyengar, I found the practice to be quite amazing. I even played with some binding that is difficult for me and found a new transition thanks to my newest Iyengar friends!

It has been a wonderful rest and though I do dread starting back to work a little, I know the rest has rejuvenated me for the next 3 weeks. My awesome friend Sam has asked me to sub for her at Castle Hill so look for me there on Thursday at 4:30pm! And take a look at this updated blog site with my new pics!

Yielding...

We all know what it means to yield when we drive. Wait, this is Austin...okay most of us know=) Anyways, when I looked this word up their were several definitions. The first-inclined to give in; submissive; compliant-didn't sound so good to me. I'm definitely someone who likes things her own way and will fight for those ways when I can. But the second definition spoke to me more-tending to give way, esp. under pressure, flexible, supple, pliable. In Anusara terms, open to grace.

I work really hard in my practice, in my job, etc. and sometimes it hardens me. I try so hard that I fall hard and wear myself out. A fellow practitioner in my class Sunday mentioned a similar feeling while she was practicing. She said "this pose is easy if you just do it but it's hard if you make it hard". I also see my fourth graders headed in that direction. I had a boy in hysterical wails last week because he had not yet mastered his multiplication and division. Yet today when he relaxed or "yielded" a bit, he did it perfectly.

That's not so say we shouldn't try hard. But first we must yield a bit in order to open up. In terms of asana, we are working on twisting tonight and in this very case, if you keep cranking yourself open, the other side of your body will harden in protest. So you must yield a bit to go deeper.

I look forward to seeing you all in class or wherever we cross paths!

Beginnings

Here I am still trying to keep my head above water. I have to admit that I've done better than last year but some things are falling by the wayside. But the biggest change is that I am being less hard on myself!

This last year has had a lot of endings and I've been reflecting on them lately especially with the weather and time change. This fact of life, endings, can be bittersweet. On one hand, I am sad for certain endings but on the other hand, I am enthusiastic about what's around the corner, new beginnings! I see so much just ahead and I can't wait to get started. A new instructor status (Inspired!), a new apartment, new friendships, etc.

Beginnings can be scary and tough to navigate sometimes. But if we go in with fear, the experience can be negative. I am choosing to move forward with enthusiasm which is what I'm teaching tonight in class. Opening your heart in asana can be scary, an old instinct that tells us to protect our vital organs. And opening the proverbial heart can be even scarier. Our past experiences can tell us "watch out, you've been here before and remember how that turned out!".

But if we never move forward, we stagnate, fester in our old ways. Why not practice opening, first on the mat and then on to the rest of our lives?

Steady in transition

Well I'm still having trouble getting to this on time but I haven't given up completely! I taught yesterday and talked about how we can get pulled in so many directions and if we aren't steady in our hearts, this can take quite a toll. Of course I'm talking about myself - I've been so crazy busy lately. Between school, practice, teaching and my suddenly busy social life, I barely have time to breathe. I have kept myself grounded in my practice though which has kept me sane.

I have noticed that with a great amount of practice comes a lot of body awareness and some parts nearing injury. Of course injury comes from practicing out of alignment in some way and I realized that I was still lacking in muscular energy particularly in my core. I think that I work hard there but as my lower back was telling me, I needed more. I was pulling my back away in other directions without the stability of my core. And then the pain reminded me...

So I worked with an awesome group of people yesterday as they diligently worked their core to inspire my own work as well. The rest of my weekend was filled with baby showers, weddings, friends and laughter. I am so lucky to be pulled in these directions and lucky to have a practice that allows me to enjoy them without losing myself. Thanks to all - until next time...

Dedication

So maybe I'm not as dedicated to this blog though I'm still trying. By this time last year, I had given up. It's not that I'm not dedicated. It's just a prioritization thing. And lately my priority has had to go to the pursuit of my Anusara Inspired status, with videoing, reviewing videos, etc. Then of course my other priority has been my school teaching which is going well. And finally, or should that be first and foremost, myself. I am still making time for my practice and personal life which is another thing I let go last year.

And this is what brings me to my discussion of dedication in class this week. I have dedicated myself to a lot but again, I am holding a place just for myself. A place where I can align with what is right for me, the divine. Aiming for the highest. And that's what we practice on our mat with our alignment, attitude and action.

Yogasm was a lot of fun if you missed it. My videos are going well. I would write more but I am about to teach here at Yoga Vida tonight. I hope everyone is well and I hope to see you soon practicing dedication on your mat...

Still here!

In fact the reason I didn't get to blog Sunday was because I was taking extra special care to prepare my classes for the week since I'm filming them for my inspired application! So I already filmed Monday and Tuesday nights. I am so grateful one of my students, Steve, let me borrow his equipment! So far it's going well. I plan to film again Friday night (Empower 6:30pm, only $5!) and Saturday afternoon. Then we'll see from there.

My theme has to do with compassion which is also what I'm trying to practice while teaching. Not only towards my students but towards myself as I am trying so hard to do well. It's easy to beat myself up watching myself on camera. So it's not only my theme for my classes but through this whole process!

So I hope you can make it to a class this week. I so appreciate you all helping me out. I know it's not always pleasing to be filmed but I promise if you come, it won't end up on YouTube=)

Joyful yoga

I talked about the joy of practicing yoga yesterday in class. It was funny because we worked very hard and at some point I looked at the students and was pretty sure what I saw on their faces was not joy =) But determination, yes. And when we finished, several students came up to me and told me that they did in fact enjoy the class. What a relief!

But then I should know better. Some of my most enjoyable classes have been the ones that I worked the hardest. And I'm sure my face wasn't the typical picture of joy yet deep down it was a purer joy than when my face is all lit up. I've been experiencing a lot of this deep joy lately as I have been really committed to my practice. And my teachers have been great about leading me through - Jeremiah, Chris, Christina, thank you all so much!

Speaking of joy, Lululemon's "Yogasm" is coming up =) I put it as an event on my facebook page. It sounds like so much fun! Great teachers, lots of fun activities and MC Yogi! What's better than that? I will definitely be there. I hope you all can make it!

Finally I just want to say thank you to all my yoga friends who have been so supportive and loving recently. I have become closer to you all and am so grateful for your friendship. You all bring out my joy along with yoga.

Teacher Training Completed!

Oh today was bittersweet. It was my last day of teacher training and I am so happy and proud of myself for this accomplishment. At the same time, it was a little sad to think that I don't have this "yoga weekend" any more. Which is silly because I always have yoga. But it was the end of my time with this group of people in this setting. Of course I will see these people all over Austin, going to their classes, socializing with them, etc. But I will miss this special time with them.

I know this isn't Wednesday again but with my schedule, I believe it may be easier to get to my blog on Sundays. So that may be the new "day". Either way, I am still working to blog once a week. This week was just as busy as the last. Free day of yoga was amazing! I got to practice with an Anusara instructor I hadn't practiced with before. Charlie Pivert at Clear Springs. It was a fun practice and harder than I expected considering the poses were more level one for the occasion. Then I met my friend Heidi at the Love Coop to play with a little Acro Yoga. I hadn't done that in a while and it was as fun as I remember. Ashley teaches this class on Tuesday nights there so you should check it out sometime. Ashley is so great!

Finally Heidi and I headed over to the Castle for some hard work and play in Christina's class. It was fun as usual. We played like children in our backbends. Somehow though I don't remember it being as much hard work when I was a kid=) I guess I was lighter then...

The rest of the week I had a lot of fun practicing at the Castle. I actually got into a full version of visvamitrasana (sp?). My practice is really coming around since I have been so dedicated to practicing every day. It feels really good.

Well I hope to see you all in class this week. I'm back to my normal schedule. I will be working on my skills from training. I hope to do a lot more videoing of classes soon so that eventually I have one to send in for "inspired" status. My goal is to get it sent in before the end of the year. I don't know yet if that's reasonable but if not, I can always change my deadline. Okay well bye for now!

attention to care

I bumped into a friend the other day and we started talking about yoga. He mentioned to me that the first time he stepped into an Anusara class, he was expected a hot sweaty vinyasa class. So when the teacher started focusing on the details instead of just leading a quick practice, he got angry. He had already made up his mind that this was not what he wanted and shut down. But, he stayed in the class and about halfway through the teacher said something that popped a light bulb into his head. Something that opened up his pose, his body, his mind. And suddenly he wasn't angry anymore but curious.

This is what brought me to Anusara. While I actually sought the method out to try something new, I still had no idea what was in store. I had no idea what kind of potential my practice really had until I stepped into an Anusara class. This attention to caring for my practice, my body, my alignment all brought a new perspective. And now I'm addicted=)

So this week I have asked my students to focus on their shin, a detail often overlooked in practice. It can be tedious and a lot of work but the rewards can be great as well. This theme continues to overlap with the current theme of my life that you have to experience discomfort to create change. And that journey is moving forward for me and I am grateful...

Growth and Courage

Oh no, I'm late! Yes, it's already Saturday and of course my goal was to post each Wednesday. But truly, my goal is to post each week so I think this still counts=) However, I knew this week would be hard with school starting and all. What I didn't count on was all the other drama. A broken relationship and an unexpected financial hardship complicated my already expected to be complicated, first week of school. And so, I clung to yoga.

I took an awesome class from Sam, my friend and co-trainee, that spoke directly to me in this time of need. She reminded us that in order to grow, there must be discomfort. Of course! Nobody graduates from college without losing some sleep, working harder than they ever have, etc. Nobody builds muscles without first tearing them down causing some soreness. And nobody grows spiritually without first unearthing some of the dark lurking beneath the surface to face it head on. So I worked hard in that class, practicing for my real life that I would return to shortly after.

My theme for the class I taught this week was courage. This has taken a lot of courage to deal with these issues and continue on with working, practicing, living. Had I not had yoga, I would have probably just crawled into a little hole, never to return. And so I asked my students to have courage to face poses that they perhaps did not want to face, as I have asked myself to do this week.

And change is happening. In the long run, it will be very good for me. I am at a growth spurt point. So I am working through these growing pains with courage, looking forward to what's ahead. Thanks so much for everyone's support! You all have helped so much.

Back to school...

So I made the transition...back to the real world. Back to getting up early, working all day, being tired and still trying to keep up with the rest of my life. And here I am! Blogging at 9:21pm on Wednesday. Perhaps a small accomplishment, but one of which I am still proud.

I have also got my practice in this week which is one of the reasons I am so late. I took my friend and co-trainee, Sam's class tonight. It was fabulous. She spoke a lot about kula, community and how great we have it here in Austin. We really have a lot of support which makes it easier for me to take on these tough challenges. I was able to do Eka Pada Urdhva Dhanurasana even after climbing up my walls today, getting my room ready for the kiddos!

Sam also spoke about being grateful for this support and that really hit home for me. I am truly grateful and need to keep reminding myself of this when times get hard. So thank you to all of you who support me even when I don't have my stuff together.

This week I am talking about raja in my classes. How we can bring a sense of royalty or nobility to our poses. Of course Monday night it was a royal mess due to the intense heat and humidity. But we're past that now, well, not the heat and humidity, just the class. Hopefully Saturday will go better...

Goodness

So I had a great weekend of training and birthday celebration! My training really renewed my faith in my inner goodness. It's funny how we can let ourselves get down about things reacting to others. I am way too susceptible to this and have been really trying to observe it in myself. I think that is why I was drawn to Anusara. The idea that we already have the inner goodness, that we don't have to "be" good because we already are good is soothing. All we have to do is recognize this goodness.

Part of this is also recognizing the good in others. When somebody says or does something that causes me to react negatively, doubt my goodness, I tend to doubt theirs as well. And yet our philosphy tells us this in all of us. And my doubt stems from the supreme's veils in order to play that cosmic game of hide and seek. Understanding that in my head is easy, in my heart is much more difficult.

But I will continue. I start back to school next week and I admit I am a bit nervous. I am proud of my accomplishments over the summer - my practice, my health, this blog, etc. I worry that going back to so much activity and responsibility will overwhelm me again and these accomplishments will fall by the wayside as they did last year. So I cling to this notion that I do not have to "be" good. That if I recognize my goodness I can continue.

To the goodness in all of you who read and support me...namaste.

Empowered!

Before I get to my discussion on empowerment, I have to address a question one of my students asked me. He asked about the origins of the word Anusara. I half answered with what I remembered from training but I had to admit that I had forgotten the entire story. So here it is...

(from the Anusara website) JF: My friend Dr. Douglas Brooks was reading a Tantric scripture called the Kulanarva Tantra and, within this scripture there were some verses that alluded to stepping into the flow of spirit and grace in ways that the student would be able to fully experience the blessings of the guru principle. The flowing-of-grace concept came from the word anusarena, or anusara...

There's more and I highly recommend looking it up and reading it for yourself. It's always empowering to learn more information. This is what I'm talking about in class this week. I thought it was fitting especially since I am subbing so much at Empower Yoga this week=)

Empowering someone means giving someone the ability to do something. We empower ourselves by learning to do something by listening to both our internal and external teachers. In the first line of our invocation we honor these teachers. Om Namah Shivaya Gurave - I honor the essence of Being, the Auspicious One, the luminous Teacher within and without.

I honor my teachers who have taught me not only some incredible asana that I never thought I could achieve on my own, but also and maybe more importantly, how to continue in my studies of asana and spirituality. I feel so empowered after studying with them. I look forward to more knowledge as I enter into another teacher training weekend.

Steadiness and freedom....

the theme of this weeks sequence. These two qualities can seem so opposite but as I've been noticing lately, opposites need each other to exist. You can't know light without darkness, joy without sorrow, freedom without steadiness, etc. And some say this is a dual philosophy while others see it as more of a spectrum.

Well I have enjoyed a lot of freedom this summer by increasing my steadiness, in my practice, in my teaching, in my goals. I found some freedom in handstand on Sunday at Hannah and Mark's goodbye class. My partner, Jason, steadied me and then I hugged the midline to continue the steadiness. He let go and I was free for maybe 10 seconds? It felt amazing!

I've always been the type of person who got bored with steadiness. I enjoyed the freedom I thought a lack of steadiness gave me. But that really wasn't true freedom, it was drama, turmoil. Anyone who is participating in the unsteadiness of the economy knows that isn't true freedom!

So find some steadiness in your life, your practice. Draw in and enjoy the freedom...

celebrate!

This week I am using a Christina Sell sequence from June that focused on the celebration aspect of our practice. It's interesting how we can sometimes forget how great it is that we can practice. A lot of times we come to our mat with our problems, our worries or even our hopes but how often do we come in celebration? I know I originally came to yoga in hopes of losing weight and getting in better shape. Or so I thought - my subconsciousness came for other reasons. Turns out we all end up coming for the same reason ultimately - to know and understand ourselves better.

But in that quest of self-knowledge, we can bury ourselves in questions, deep thought, pushing ourselves, then love. All of this is great work and not to be avoided. But somewhere in there is some lightness, a reason to celebrate! After we have done the diligent work of rediscovering our true nature, we should celebrate! Celebrate expressing your true nature both on and off the mat!

I've felt a lot more celebratory this summer and I hope that you all take some time to celebrate as well!

accepting what is

Well I'm back from Niagara Falls - we had a great time. I'm so grateful for this time off and being able to spend it with my family. It's also great to get back home to my Austin family!

I finished Christina's book on the way home (Yoga from the Inside Out). It was so thoughtful and thought-inspiring. One section discussed accepting what "is". It really spoke to me as I tend to be very critical and have high standards for myself and others. So really, I never want to accept what is. I'm always looking to what could be or should be. She made the example that if you can't accept what is currently, than it would be like trying to take a trip from say New York (I can't remember the exact locations) to California. But you don't accept you are in New York but cling to where you think you should be, say Texas. So you refuse directions from New York and use directions from Texas. Needless to say you would get lost and confused quickly and probably give up.

I definitely have felt this way. One funny way that I do this is not to weigh myself. It doesn't change how much I weigh but then I get to choose how much I think I weigh. Of course, my choice is what I think I should weigh. I know this is silly and yet I still do it. I even had a friend a few years ago point it out to me. I wore shorter shorts to ACL but was self-conscious the whole time. He mentioned that I needed to accept my thighs =)

Christina's book was about much more than the physical although really what is physical reflects what goes on emotionally, spiritually. I am trying to accept what is each day, including my weight which I have been checking on for real this summer!

Teachers

So here I am in Niagara Falls, blogging! Sticking to my commitment=) Anyways...

On the way here, I was reading my Anusara Teacher Training Manual and getting so excited about the new things I am learning each time I go into study. I had read the manual already but there were items I had forgotten and/or had completely missed. It reminded me how important my teachers are to me. In fact, one of the passages was discussing how important it was to honor your teachers when you teach.

I honor not only my yoga teachers but all who have taught me something in my lifetime. I am here with my grandmother who has taught me so much. And what's great about her is that she would say the same about me. In fact, she taught me that you never stop learning (or at least you never want to) and that you can learn from anyone if you just listen, just try. Not only that, you can learn from experiences.

As I am a teacher, I feel this great responsibility. I honor and thank my teachers for all they have done to prepare me for this responsibility. I hope I can put this honor into action throughout all my classes. Thank you!!!

Feedback

I got an email today from one of the teachers at one of the studios I teach. She was giving some awesome general feedback to the group. At first though, I had my usual reaction of being upset that it might be me and then my next typical reaction of "oh no that's not me, I do that all the time so she must be talking about everyone else". After I got through all that drama in my head, I finally stepped back and noticed my reaction. As mentioned before, this is a typical reaction to feedback. I have always been a pleaser even as a girl. I never needed much punishment other than my family telling me I had disappointed them because immediately I would burst into tears. This was punishment enough.

As I got older, I continued pleasing with good grades and behavior. My teachers loved me! Anytime I had any drama though it was because THEY were wrong. Then I started teaching yoga. In this community we are big on feedback because it is a great way to grow. I have struggled with it as I took everything personally and either got really down on myself or the person giving the feedback. And it continues today still in my teaching (both yoga and school), relationships, etc.

I think yoga was the first place that I picked up on my reaction though. Baron gave us some guidelines on giving and receiving feedback. For receiving, we were not to respond, just take it in and ponder, then decide what to keep and what to leave. I was astonished - I could leave something? What a concept...

Now I am reading Christina Sell's book Yoga From the Inside Out. I haven't made it far yet but already she speaks to this side of me. This side that believes all the negative or gets angry at the source of the feedback. Why can't I just process, then take it or leave it? Actually I am getting better at it each time I practice. And just noticing this, I believe is a first step.

So how about you? Anybody else respond to feedback in this way? If so, I highly recommend Christina's book and Baron's receiving instructions. Their words have guided me a great deal.

Back with renewed faith

Just looking at the date on my last post makes me cringe. But I can't hide from it. It really has been that long. I broke my promise to write each week. I let school take over my life. But now that is in the past. I can't change it but I can pick myself up and start again. So here I go again...

I work really hard at whatever I commit myself to and I did a great job this year with my kids. However, I think I did lose a little faith in myself. I let a lot of other things go like this blog, my health, my practice. I realized I couldn't do it all and then struggled to figure out how much to do in each area. Now that school is out, I renewed my effort back towards myself. I'm trying to eat better, practice daily, blog weekly and clean and organize my life.

As I began this quest this month, I started to renew my faith in myself again. Do I still need to learn how to prioritize? Yes, of course. And that's not really happening now with my time off. But I did start realizing again how much I am capable of accomplishing and how I really do know what's best for me when I stop and listen. That faith in myself will go a long way if I continue to hold onto it. It's like the arm balances I have planned for my classes this week. When I first learned Bakasana (crow), I was all alone in my house in Houston. I had to be on carpet and by myself to have the faith that A. I wouldn't hurt myself and B. Nobody would be around to laugh at me! At least that was what I thought. Eventually it turned out that I just had to have faith in myself and I was airborne=)

I know that since I haven't written it will take some time to have people reading again. But I hope if you do that you too will either find and/or continue to have faith in yourselves. And I will continue mine as I keep working towards my goals.